Be afraid, Be very afraid....or maybe not...

Next week we are taking the family away on vacation. A warm weather vacation, I am really looking forward to it.

Now that I am a mother of two, have a decent job, decent car, decent house, I feel like I am finally ready...finally ready to step it up and...get a bikini wax.

Let's face it there are two major issues with the bikini wax.

1. Pain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3QAHHXnGUo

We've all seen the scene from 40 year old virgin. But imagine that near your ha ha, or hoo hoo, or whatever you chose to call it. The skin down there is sensitive and frankly, I like it that way. Do men do this to their...how should I put it...cojones? OUCH.

2. Exposure

I talk a big game, but at the end of day, I am a little prudish about this stuff. I mean come on, it was bad enough giving birth when I had 3-5 people peeking at my hoo hoo, do I really need someone examining my grooming routine?

I often think that has to be a terrible job...
"Hi Honey, how was your day?"
"Really busy. I looked a lot of a hairy beavers today, but I took care of them all"

Anyway, despite all this, I decide that I will go forward, because I am old enough, and I should be able to handle this right? right?

Two days before I call my friend in Boston, who has a very long pregnant pause after I tell her. I am thinking, oh great, either I've offended her by talking about something too private, or she had some sort of scarring experience. She proceeds to tell me that her friend did it and the after shock necessitated ice.

ICE! for the love of God.

Thanks for the support!

The night before the wax, I have a nightmare, I show up and the place is like a grocery store. The bed where they put me to do the "deed" is actually a check out line -- you know with the moving belt and the scanner. At one point, she tells me, "can you close your legs, this guy is trying to check out" -- clearly I am stressed about this "procedure"

The day of the wax I confess to my co worker, she advises talking Advil prior. Advil? Then she scolds me for a being a wee bit hungover, "oh that will make it worse...."

WHAT AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO???

Fine, I am 32 yrs old, I can handle this. So, I go. I disrobe, I lay down, I spread my legs -- actually not really about that last part. It's not really that bad. Yes, it hurts but it goes away quickly. I mean, I didn't limp out of there. I survived. I think it was probably worth it.

Of course the real test will be if I ever do it again...

Crap Shoot, er, Count

Let me just start with the fact that I love my kids. I really do. Life changing experience, etc etc.

However....I'd never thought I spend so much time thinking about shit. And I mean true blue (well in this case brown) shit.

When they are babies its all about the poop, which is okay, because it doesn't really smell and its still a novelty. Then they start eating real food and it starts to stink. My 3 year old can tell when her 1 year old sister has pooped from across the room, "Mommy, she pooped! She's a stinker!"

And her words are accurate so I can't really say, "oh thats not nice"....because, lets face it, shit stinks.

By the time the kid is two you are figuring out ways to avoid changing a shit laden diaper. My favorite is telling my daughter to go give Daddy a hug. Which my husband thinks is so cute that his daughter is *spontaneously* hugging him. Then he breathes in....yikes!

Then when you are potty training them, it is a strange turn in emotion. Perhaps some of a my proudest moments have been seeing a log of shit floating in the toilet. I literally feel myself beaming with pride.

Let's pause here and think about that. Shit makes me beam with pride. Parenthood is really twisted.

My oldest is now 3, which by my calculations, means that I have probably handled over a 1,000 of her craps. I feel like I should hang a sign up on the front door....

Family McChung

Proudly Handling over a 1,000 pieces of shit

This is why I am against a dog or cat. At least with kids there is an end to the shit handling. I don't think you can potty train a dog.

Crazy pregnancies in the press

I am a total tabloid junkie. This whole Jamie Lynn Spears thing is ridiculous. Here is the next story we'll see in People magazine....

"Dora the Explorer pregnant -- Father is Grumpy Old Troll! Dora criticized for wearing revealing clothing (see midriff shirt below)."

For those of you without kids, here is a pic of Dora and the Grumpy Old Troll

Why am I doing this?

I figured this will be a good way for me to get out all the funny stories/thoughts I have floating in my brain. And it can serve as a diary for my kids to look back later and say, "oh my god, my mom is such a dork"

This is probably a temporary thing while I am not that busy at work. I am sure when it gets busy again this thing will gather cyber dust.

Do other people actually read these? Highly doubtful.