Airport Etiquette

Last Friday work sent me to North Carolina for a charity golf tournament. That unto itself is a joke. First, I'm not that good a golfer. Second, I've spent a majority of the past six months talking about how to cut costs and laying off people. The whole thing stinks of irony, but hey I got to play golf.

Anyway, thats not the subject of this post -- but rather its the whole airport/plane etiquette.

I find it so funny how people line up at the gate to get on the plane. People get cranky too -- aggressive and mad at each other for cutting in line. Um, hello, do you realize you are lining up so you can go and SIT and wait some more? It's not like they are giving out hundred dollar bills to the first 20 people on the plane. I would rather sit and wait in the airport then on the plane where my personal space has been whittled down to two inches on each side and all I do is pray that the person next to me does not start talking to me. The whole dynamic is very strange.

I remember growing up my mom would make us dress up to get on the plane. Did anyone else have this family rule? I still don't understand it, frankly I want to be in my sweats in the plane. Well, I want to be in my sweats most of the time.

On long distance trips I definitely crave for the extra seat or two. I wonder when I will be too old to lay down in the airplane, taking up three seats. For now, I'm thinking that I'll never be too old -- its clearly more comfortable. I think the only thing that would stop me would be if I was flying with a bunch of work people.

A few years ago, a took a trip with a new boss. She asked me to switch flights so we could fly together, even though we weren't sitting together. At first I thought that was strange, why be on the same flight but not sit next to each other. But now I realize that spending six hours sitting three inches from your boss would probably be excruciating.

So, upon her request I switched to fly back from California on a red-eye. Which didn't really bother me. Give me a glass of red wine and I'm out like a light. It had been a really long trip, we were at a conference and working the convention floor. I was in charge of the event, so on my feet 14 hours a day for three days straight. The flight home was going to be a well deserved long nap.

My seat was in the very last row of the plane. Close enough to the bathroom so I could smell that weird blue stuff that they have in the toilet. The plane was packed. Not a single free seat. As we are taxing on the runway, a toddler was crying for his mom. He was sitting with his dad and his mom was a couple of rows away. I felt bad, it was an awkward moment. Then the woman next to me stands up and screams, "hey, get your kid to be quiet!" Um, more awkward now....

The mom yelled something back and my neighbor guffawed and sat back down. Oh shit, I thought, this could be a long flight. I snuggled against the window and hoped that the two glasses of merlot would kick in soon. I did drift off.

At some point I woke up. My neighbor, who occupied the middle seat, was engaged in a very loud conversation with the guy sitting across the aisle. She was telling him all about her trip to Aruba and how excited she was. I think they were going to scuba or snorkel...who the hell knows, it was 3 am in the fucking morning. Shut up!

After five minutes of her droning on, I finally said something.

"Excuse me, do you mind keeping it down? I've had a really long week and not a lot of sleep"

Another guffaw.

I snuggled back to my window. Then she says, very loud,

"The people on this plane are such assholes!"

Under my blanket, with my eyes shut, I did a silent gasp. Asshole? Me? I just want some sleep. Some beautiful sleep. Should I apologize? Was I out of line? No, no calm down, get to sleep, go to sleep.

She continued to rattle on with her conversation partner across the aisle and across the other guy in our row.

It was the longest flight of my life.

We got off in Newark around 6 am. My boss and some other colleagues were waiting for me, as I was the LAST person on the plane.

I had duress written all over my face. My boss asked me, what happened? ... It was terrible.

I've had a couple of other strange plane experiences...An airsick mom asking me to take her toddler to the bathroom, a drunk couple feeding my kid candy, a rock band playing air guitar ....

I guess they all make for good cocktail stories, but sometimes its just exasperating.